Labor Day is a federal holiday, originated in the 19th century to recognize and show appreciation for American Laborers Movement. Ironic this day has turned into a celebration for some and an extremely busy workday for others such as, restaurants, shopping and entertainment. Ah, but I digress.
With Labor Day just around the corner, I could not help but to compare a holiday created for Labor Day laborers with Women in Labor - How apropos. Let's face it, Labor Day for the expectant mom, is the truest definition of hard labor.
These days, family planning has become a catch all phrase, particularly popular among young couples who are intent on making their mark on the world, starting careers and having their proverbial baby ducks in a row before starting a family. What was wrong with spontaneous I ask?
Regardless, whether “trying” or proclaiming “whoops”, recognize you're in the same boat, so sit back and hang on tight because the next nine months will be a bit bumpy. You heard me, lift your head from your porcelain paradise and smile!
Initially, there is a giddy sort of excitement in knowing that you are the vessel that carries another life. This can be exhilarating and overwhelming, all at the same time. The desire to learn everything about this nine-month journey is exceptionally strong for first timers. Soon-to-be moms want to read every book and article written about this journey. A journey that is both common and unique to each person. Elation fades with those expecting their second, third or, gasp, fourth bundle of joy.
Experiencing odd cravings, mood swings and fear of the unknown? Relax, it's just part of the adventure. Below is a checklist you probably will not find in any of those aforementioned books.
EAT OUT
- Daily if possible! Savor the peach, quiet and ability to take your time, because the next year or two will require carrying a diaper bag full of items everywhere you go. This bag will contain a variety of items (bottles, pacifiers, diapers, baby oil, baby lotion, wet wipes, toys, coloring books, rattles, baby nose aspirator and so on) based on the child’s age. Eating out will be stressful. It will be a long time before you will be able to enjoy a dinner out without saying the following statements:
- Please don't cry. (This is where you will retrieve a bottle or pacifier from your handy dandy diaper bag and unsuccessfully try to lull said baby back to sleep, dare I mention, the efforts are to no avail and you will end up leaving with baby in one arm, diaper bag on shoulder and carrying a to go box that you will not finish and end up trashing it anyway.)
- Accept the fact that every piece of clothing you own will have your baby’s signature stain on one or both shoulders
As baby ages, you will once again try eating out only to find yourself uttering these well-known phrases:
- Here, eat this cracker and sit still
- Sit down, NOW
- Sit, I said, don't make me say it again
- Do NOT slide under the table
- Do not run around the table
- Do you want to make a trip to the bathroom to remove a bad attitude
- No, we do not want an appetizer, we need to order NOW
- Do not hit the fork on the table
- Please stop screaming
- Ah the food is finally here, what do you mean you’re DONE? To go box please.
SLEEP IN
- Never set an alarm clock. This will be the last time you get to sleep all night for……well, I’m not sure, I’m still waiting.
CLEANING
- Not necessary, let it go. It is time to get used to your new motif anyway.
ROMANCE
- Seriously, get over it. Living in your new baby world, you will soon discover that romance is not even listed in the top ten. “I Love You is quickly replaced by “Hey, You Awake?
WAITING FOR LABOR DAY to ARRIVE
- Disregard everything anyone has ever told you. The most important baby staples are cloth diapers (burp rags) and stain resistant carpet
- Meals are always temporary; length of time is the only variable
- Don’t become such a germ-a-phoebe that you boil everything. (Side Note: Boiled plastic rattles melt together)
- Do not dip pacifiers in syrup as an incentive to promote the pacifier. (Syrup dipped pacifiers result in babies gaining a lot weight quickly and freaks out your pediatrician)
- Understand that you will spend the first year teaching your child to talk and the next seventeen years telling them to be quiet
LABOR DAY ARRIVES
It will seem like an eternity awaiting the arrival of your bundle of joy. I hate to be a bearer of bad news but birthing classes try to make labor sound bearable. (IT'S A LIE, A BIG 'OL LIE!) The phrase, “you will feel discomfort”, no doubt written by a man. Discomfort, DISCOMFORT; try anguish, torment, agony or torture, but DISCOMFORT my #?%!
Natural childbirth is popular until experienced. Think about it, were you using natural birth control (if so, how'd that work out for you?) My advice, for what it's worth, is to begin asking for drugs before you really even need them to ensure you avoid being told, “I’m sorry, it’s too late.”
Last but not least, recognize your spouse is an idiot and has absolutely no clue what to do, what is happening or what to say. He will make totally insensitive comments, so brace yourself.
Hubby: Do you want to watch TV to take your mind off things?
Me: Do you want to retain the shape of a TV?
Hubby: Just breathe.
Me: Great advice Einstein, the one thing I didn’t have to think about.
Hubby: Focus.
Me: I am focusing, on the PAIN!
Hubby: It’s almost over.
Me: Yeah, right, that’s what you said 6 hours ago!
Hubby: I love you.
Me: Yea, yeah, like that’ll ever work again.
Hubby: I see the head.
Me: Well, Hot Diggity Dog
Hubby: Push
Me: You’ll think push when I push you out of this fourth-floor window
Hubby: The doctor is on his way
Me: Here or does he have another golf game?
Hubby: Do you want some crushed ice?
Me: Sure, stick a block under my fist and I’ll crush it!
When everything is said and done, you will have experienced the ultimate human achievement and will take home with you a beautiful, dependent little life who has absolutely no regard for your fatigue, hunger or emotional state.
Ironically, if you are a successful at parenting, this beautiful, dependent little life will grow into a teenager who has absolutely no regard for your fatigue, hunger or emotional state.
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